How to Live with Someone Who Has PTSD

OFF THE WIRE

Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a complex disorder that is the reaction to a traumatic event. Traumatic events that can result in PTSD often include war, rape, kidnapping, assault, natural disasters, car or planes crashes, terrorist attacks, sudden death of a loved one, sexual or physical abuse, extreme bullying, death threats, and childhood neglect. The symptoms of PTSD can arise suddenly, gradually, or come and go over time. PTSD does not just affect the person with the condition; it also affects the loved ones who are involved in his or her life. If you are living with someone with PTSD, it is important to recognize how PTSD can affect your home life, learn how to deal with symptoms of PTSD that may arise, and help your loved one in as many ways as you can.

Method 1 of 4: Dealing with Your Loved One’s Symptoms

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   Be aware of the common symptoms of PTSD. Because symptoms of PTSD change how a trauma survivor feels and acts, this can dramatically change the family life and affect everyone in the family. Trauma causes symptoms that can make it hard to get along with others or cause withdrawal. In order to live with someone dealing with PTSD it’s best to be mindful of their symptoms, there are also ways to help your loved one, and remember some important aspects of dealing with the disorder.
   

   • Some of the symptoms central to PTSD include re-experiencing the traumatic event, avoiding reminders of the trauma, and increased anxiety and emotional arousal. Additional symptoms include anger and irritability, guilt or self-blame, substance abuse, feelings of betrayal, depression and hopelessness, suicidal thoughts and feelings, feeling alienated and alone, and physical aches and pains.
   • 2
     Give your loved one support during flashbacks. Re-experiencing the event can involve intrusive and upsetting memories of the event that your loved one experienced. This may also include flashbacks, where the sufferer feels like they are back in the trauma, or witnessing it as if it was happening in front of them. When your loved one is experiencing a flashback, give them space and keep them safe.
     

     • Don’t ask a lot of questions of the person, simply be nearby in case they need you, and give them anything they need when the flashback is over. Individuals with PTSD often find it difficult to talk about their traumatic history. Give your loved one support without being too overbearing.
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     3
     Help your loved one to cope with flashbacks by practicing relaxation techniques. Your loved one with PTSD may also re-experience the event by feeling intense distress when reminded of the trauma. This distress can lead to a physical response (i.e. pounding heart, rapid breathing, nausea, muscle tension, and sweating). Symptoms like this can be helped by practicing relaxation techniques.
     

     • One very powerful relaxation technique that could be used is deep breathing exercises. Have the person breathe in for four seconds, hold their breath for four seconds, and then release their breath slowly over the course of four seconds. Have them repeat this exercise until they feel calm.
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     4
     Make your loved one feel safe in your relationship. After a traumatic experience, your loved one may have a hard time feeling safe, even in their own home. While you might not be able to promise that nothing bad will ever happen to them again, you can show that you are there to protect them and are fully committed to your relationship with them. Ways to make them feel safe include^[1]:
     

     • Discuss plans for the future with your loved one to help them remember that their future is wide open and not limited.
     • Keep your promises. Being reliable will help your loved one to begin to regain trust in people.
     • Creating a routine that you both stick to. Routines can help them to feel that they have some semblance of control in their lives.
     • Tell them that you believe that they will recover.
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     5
     Try to understand why your loved one is withdrawn. Avoidance and withdrawal are two of the major symptoms of PTSD. These symptoms can lead to a loss of interest in favorite activities, a detachment from others, and emotional numbness. All of these things can be really hard on loved ones who are living with the person with PTSD. Remind yourself that your loved one’s withdrawal is not caused by a lack of caring, but by the pain that the person feels.^[2]
     

     • Forgive your loved one when they decline to join in on family gatherings, but do not stop inviting them. Remain persistent.
     • Let your loved one know that what they are experiencing is ok. While it might hurt you that your loved one chooses to decline your invitations to do things, you must let them know that you understand why they are feeling the way they are, and that you accept them for who they are.
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     Challenge your loved one’s distorted thoughts. Your loved one may harbor negative thoughts about themselves or the situation. Persist in challenging them about their negative thoughts regarding themselves or the future. Keep your tone light and express your love and positive thoughts without condemning them.
     

     • For example, if your loved one feels like the traumatic experience is their fault, calmly reassure your loved one that it is not their fault. Remind them that they are being unnecessarily harsh on themselves.
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     7
     Help your loved one to fall asleep at night. People with PTSD may find it hard to fall asleep at night. While you cannot control the thoughts that pop into your loved one’s head, you can create a healthy sleeping environment for your loved one.
     

     • Practice relaxation techniques with your loved one before they go to bed. This can include deep breathing exercises.
     • Set the temperature to a level that your loved one is comfortable at. Cooler temperatures can help to induce sleep. Work with your loved one to figure out what temperature is most conducive for sleep. This is generally between 65 and 72 degrees Fahrenheit (18.3 to 22.2 degrees Celsius).^[3]
     • Have your loved one turn off all electronics for at least an hour before they get into bed.
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     8
     Help your loved one manage their irritability and anger. PTSD can make a person develop levels of irritability that they never experienced before the traumatic event. While your loved one will most likely go to therapy to work on their anger management, there are also ways that you can help your loved one control their irritability.
     

     • Help your loved one to distance themselves from the upsetting situation before reacting. When you see your loved one getting upset, take them aside and tell them to go take a walk, or go to another room and take several deep breaths.
     • Help your loved one to start journaling about their thoughts and emotions (especially anger). Journaling can help them express themselves without actually having to talk to anyone about their experience. Getting their feelings out on paper may help to reduce the likelihood of them feeling irritable when interacting with others.
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     9
     Try to avoid the things that could startle your loved one. PTSD can cause an extreme jumpiness and hyper vigilance. Try to avoid starting your loved one, as this could inadvertently trigger a flashback. For instance, try to avoid making sudden movements around your loved one.
     

     • Announce when you are home, or call out to them when they get home so that they know that you are there.
     • Let them know when you are going to do something that involves a loud noise, like running the blender, or hammering a nail into a wall.
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   • Be sure to give your loved one space. They are dealing with a lot and they may or may not be able to talk about their experience. You need to be tolerant of their needs during this time. Do not pressure your loved one into talking about what they are going through. Simply be there for them if they do feel like talking.^[4]
     

     • Be prepared for your loved one to want to be alone one day, but supported the next. Give your loved one what they need.
     • Offer support in other small ways. These supportive gestures could include taking them somewhere they usually enjoy, making them their favorite dinner, or just spending some quiet time with them.
       

       Method 2 of 4: Encouraging Your Loved One to Seek Help

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          Discuss the benefits of getting treatment with your loved one. Seeking help from a mental health care provider (a psychiatrist or psychologist) is a very important part of recovering from PTSD. Going to therapy as early as possible once the PTSD has appeared is preferable, as early treatment can mean a faster recovery.^[5]
          

          • People with PTSD can also seek help in a community-based center or clinic.
          • The longer symptoms are allowed to continue without the help of a mental health care provider, the harder it will be to change and recover from those behaviors.
       2. 
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          Collect information about treatment for your loved one. If your loved one has agreed to go to treatment, make it easier for them by gathering information on different therapists.
          

          • You can also set up an appointment for them once your loved one has determined which therapist they would like to talk to .
       3. 
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          Go to a counselor to seek help if your loved one refuses to go to therapy. If your loved one refuses to get treatment, go to a counselor yourself and discuss the challenges you are facing when dealing with your loved one’s PTSD. The counselor may be able to give you some tips on how to handle your loved one’s symptoms and refusal to get help.
          

          • Tell your loved one that you went to see a therapist. Telling them about your experience will normalize going to a psychiatrist, which may make them feel better about seeking help themselves.
       4. 
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          Let your loved one know that you are willing to participate in family counseling. If your loved one is having a hard time accepting the need to go to therapy, tell them that you will go to therapy with them. Therapy for families of people suffering from PTSD can be found in many community clinics.
          

          Method 3 of 4: Taking Care of Yourself

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             Take time to take care of yourself. While your may concern may be to take care of your loved one, it is incredibly important that you spend some time taking care of yourself. If you are constantly thinking about how best to help your loved one, you are sure to get tired. When you are tired, you are more likely to lose your patience, which can make matters worse. Because of this, make sure to set some time aside each day to relax and recharge.^[6]
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             Spend time with other people. While you are supporting your loved one, it is also important to talk to others who can support you during this difficult time. Talk to people you trust, like other family members or friends, about what you are going through.
             

             • Simply expressing your emotions can make the situation seem more manageable.
          3. 
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             Join a support group. Aside from talking to family or friends, you may also find it helpful to talk with people who are not involved in your specific situation, but have gone through what you are now going through. Support groups are good places to share your experiences and learn from others who may have insights into ways that you can make your situation more positive.^[7]
             

             • To find a support group, run an internet search for support groups for families of people with PTSD in your area. You can also look at community bulletin boards, or talk to a therapist about where to find support groups.
          4. 
             4
             Take time to take care of yourself. Family member frequently devote themselves totally to those that they care for, and in the process, neglect their own needs. Pay attention to yourself. Watch your diet, exercise, and get plenty of rest. Take time to do things that feel good to you and that keep you healthy.
             

             • Make time to do things that you love each day. Whether that is going to see a movie, reading a book, going on a hike, or simply relaxing in a bath, set aside some time to do things that make you happy each day.
             • Try doing yoga or meditation, both of which can help to center you and keep you refreshed.
          5. 
             5
             Try to maintain family routines. These family routines could include gathering together for dinner, game night, or a recreational outing. Maintaining these family traditions can help both your loved one, and the rest of your family feel like there is a semblance of normality.
          6. 
             6
             Set up an appointment with a therapist for yourself. If you feel like you are having trouble coping with your situation, do not hesitate to seek professional help. Talking to a therapist may help you to come up with strategies regarding how to cope with your loved one’s PTSD, as well as ways to keep yourself happy and healthy.
             

             Method 3 of 4: Taking Care of Yourself

             1. 
                1
                Take time to take care of yourself. While your may concern may be to take care of your loved one, it is incredibly important that you spend some time taking care of yourself. If you are constantly thinking about how best to help your loved one, you are sure to get tired. When you are tired, you are more likely to lose your patience, which can make matters worse. Because of this, make sure to set some time aside each day to relax and recharge.^[6]
             2. 
                2
                Spend time with other people. While you are supporting your loved one, it is also important to talk to others who can support you during this difficult time. Talk to people you trust, like other family members or friends, about what you are going through.
                

                • Simply expressing your emotions can make the situation seem more manageable.
             3. 
                3
                Join a support group. Aside from talking to family or friends, you may also find it helpful to talk with people who are not involved in your specific situation, but have gone through what you are now going through. Support groups are good places to share your experiences and learn from others who may have insights into ways that you can make your situation more positive.^[7]
                

                • To find a support group, run an internet search for support groups for families of people with PTSD in your area. You can also look at community bulletin boards, or talk to a therapist about where to find support groups.
             4. 
                4
                Take time to take care of yourself. Family member frequently devote themselves totally to those that they care for, and in the process, neglect their own needs. Pay attention to yourself. Watch your diet, exercise, and get plenty of rest. Take time to do things that feel good to you and that keep you healthy.
                

                • Make time to do things that you love each day. Whether that is going to see a movie, reading a book, going on a hike, or simply relaxing in a bath, set aside some time to do things that make you happy each day.
                • Try doing yoga or meditation, both of which can help to center you and keep you refreshed.
             5. 
                5
                Try to maintain family routines. These family routines could include gathering together for dinner, game night, or a recreational outing. Maintaining these family traditions can help both your loved one, and the rest of your family feel like there is a semblance of normality.
             6. 
                6
                Set up an appointment with a therapist for yourself. If you feel like you are having trouble coping with your situation, do not hesitate to seek professional help. Talking to a therapist may help you to come up with strategies regarding how to cope with your loved one’s PTSD, as well as ways to keep yourself happy and healthy.
                

                Method 4 of 4: Understanding how PTSD Affects Families

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                   Understand that PTSD does not just affect the person who is suffering from the condition. Families may also experience various reactions to their loved one who is suffering from PTSD. It can be difficult to cope with a loved one who is constantly pushing people away, or experiencing traumatic flashbacks. These symptoms can create common reactions that family members and other loved ones experience.^[8]
                   

                   • Keep in mind that these reactions are normal, and that living with someone with PTSD can be very difficult.
                   • These reactions are described in the following steps.
                2. 
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                   Keep your feelings of sympathy. People often feel very sorry that someone they care about has had to suffer through a terrifying experience and that their loved one still suffers from PTSD. However, too much sympathy can be a bad thing leading a family to “baby” a trauma survivor. This can send the message that the family does not think the trauma survivor is capable of overcoming the ordeal.
                   

                   • For example, if you do not expect your loved one to pursue treatment and go to therapy appointments, they may feel like you don’t have confidence in their ability to recover.
                3. 
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                   Be prepared for some conflict. Because irritability is one of the basic symptoms of PTSD, conflict is often inevitable. A short fuse and readiness to defend or fight rather than back down could result in more angry outbursts towards family members and others.^[9]
                4. 
                   4
                   Try not to be offended by your loved one’s detachment. After a traumatic experience, many people with PTSD will become disconnected from their loved ones as they cope with what has happened. This can be very hard for you and other family members but try to give the person space.
                   

                   • Remember that they are not distancing themselves because they want to hurt you, but rather because they are dealing with what has happened to them.
                5. 
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                   Try to banish feelings of shame or guilt. Family members can often feel guilt or shame after a traumatic event for many reasons. They may feel guilty because they feel responsible for caring for their loved one. Family members may also feel shame with dealing with their loved one, as they may feel like they are failing. Remember that dealing with a loved one with PTSD is not easy, but that you are doing all that you can to help them.
                6. 
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                   Understand that negative feelings towards your loved one with PTSD is normal. These negative feelings can include anger and resentment towards the traumatized person or towards those who traumatized the individual.