Dear Santa
How
are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the
elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an
X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for Christmas. I hope you
remember that come Christmas Day.
Merry Christmas,
Timmy Jones
______________________________
Dear T
immy,
Thank
you for your letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all
fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all
the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want
you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I'll
bring you something you can go outside and play with.
Merry Christmas,
Santa Claus
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Mr. Claus,
Seeing
that I have fulfilled the "naughty vs. nice" contract, set by you I
might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting
me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this joyous
season into one of litigation. Also, don't you think that a jibe at my
weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit
trite?
Respectfully,
Tim Jones
______________________________
Mr. Jones,
While
I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria, need I remind you
that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee
of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that
is your right. Please know, however, that my attorney's have been on
retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be
more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the
exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also
improve you social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion
that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.
Very Truly Yours,
S Claus
______________________________
Now look here Fat Man,
I
told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to
be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this.
Now you just be disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my boys and we're
gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I'm taking my game console, my
game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!
T-Bone
______________________________
Listen Pizza Face,
Seriously???
You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night
and never gets caught sweats a skinny g-banger wannabe? "He sees you
when you're sleeping; He knows when you're awake". Sound familiar,
genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal.
I
got your sh*t wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to
hurt people that if I described them right now, you'd throw up your
Totino's pizza roll all over the carpet of your mom's basement.
You're
not getting what you asked for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to
stomp a mud hole in you're a** and then walk it dry. Chew on that,
Petunia.
S Clizzy
______________________________
Dear Santa,
Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything.
Timmy
______________________________
Timmy,
That's what I thought you little bastard.
Santa
