Girlfriend: "Actually life is short, just like your dick.".
Police Officer A police officer was patrolling the highway when he sees a guy tied up to a tree, crying. The officer stops and approaches the guy. "What's going on here?", he asks. The guy sobs, "I was driving and picked up a hitchhiker. He pulled a gun on me, robbed me, took all my money, my clothes, my car and then tied me up." The cop studied the guy for a moment, and then pulled down his pants and whipped out his dick. "I guess this isn't your lucky day, pal!"
25 Things a Blonde Says During Sex Joke
1. But everybody looks funny naked! 2. You woke me up for that? 3. Did I mention the video camera? 4. But whipped cream makes me break out. 5. (In the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour! 6. I accept Visa? 7. On second thought, let's turn off the lights. 8. And to think I was really trying to pick up your friend! 9. Hope you're as good- looking when I'm sober... 10. (Holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo! 11. This would be more fun with a few more people. 12. You're almost as good as my ex! 13. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs! 14. (In a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work? 15. No, really... I do this part better myself! 16. Did you know the ceiling needs painting? 17. I think you have it on backwards. 18. When is this supposed to feel good? 19. You're good enough to do this for a living! 20. Is that blood on the headboard? 21. Did I remember to take my pill? 22. That leak better be from the waterbed! 23. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries! 24. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed? 25. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance.
A woman is on one of those funeral cruises where the ashes of loved ones may be dumped into the sea. She had been married to a real cheapskate, who after 30 years of marriage finally died. The lady had her husband cremated, at his wishes, because he felt a plot would cost too much. After the memorial services, she went to the railing and poured his ashes out into her hands and started talking to him. "Henry," she said, "you know that mink cape I wanted all my life? Well your company sold for so much that now I have bought myself a beautiful full length mink coat." "And Henry," she said, "you know that trip to the Caribbean I always wanted to take? Well, I took a world cruise for 90 days and it was wonderful!" "And Henry," she continued, "you know that big blue Cadillac I had been hoping for the last 5 years? Well I bought a Rolls Royce instead and it drives like a dream." "Oh, and Henry," she said, "you know that blow job you always wanted?" and she blew the ashes out of her hands into the sea . . .
An elderly couple walk into a fast food restaurant. They order one hamburger, one order of fries and one drink.
The old man unwraps the plain hamburger and carefully cuts it in half. He places one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counts out the fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placing one pile in front of his wife. He takes a sip of the drink, his wife takes a sip and then sets the cup down between them. As he begins to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them keep looking over and whispering `That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.`
As the man begins to eat his fries a young man comes to the table. He
politely offers to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man
replies that they`re just fine - they`re just used to sharing
everything.
The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn`t eaten a bite. She sits there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again the young man comes over and begs them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time the old woman says `No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.`
As the old man finishes and was wipes his face neatly with the napkin,the young man again comes over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asks `May I ask what is it you are waiting for?`
The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn`t eaten a bite. She sits there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again the young man comes over and begs them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time the old woman says `No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.`
As the old man finishes and was wipes his face neatly with the napkin,the young man again comes over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asks `May I ask what is it you are waiting for?`
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