WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT TO TURN ON THE TV AND HEAR ANY U.S. PRESIDENT, DEMOCRAT OR
REPUBLICAN GIVE THE FOLLOWING SPEECH?
My Fellow Americans: As you all know, the defeat of Iraq regime has been
completed.
Since congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our mission in
Iraq is complete.
This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces from
Iraq.This action will be complete within 30 days. It is now to begin the
reckoning.
Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries which have
stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short. The United
Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, Australia, and Poland are some of the countries listed
there.
The other list contains everyone not on the first list. Most of the world's
nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both
lists later this evening.
Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations
on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved during the first
year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war.
The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world
Hell-holes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption.
Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France.
In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money toward
solving the vexing social problems we still have at home. On that note, a word
to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we will hunt you down and
eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the earth.
Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France, or maybe China.
I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France,
Germany, and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from
NATO as well. Bon chance, mes amis.
I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN
diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid parking
tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I
don't care about whatever treaty pertains to this. You creeps have tens of
thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those tickets tomorrow or watch your precious
Benzes, Beamers and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the
world. I love New York
A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2 Since we are likely to be
seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not pissing us off
for a change.
Mexico is also on List 2. President Fox and his entire corrupt government really
need an attitude adjustment. I will have a couple extra tank and infantry
divisions sitting around. Guess where I am going to put em? Yep, border
security. So start doing something with your oil.
Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty - starting now.
We are tired of the one-way highway. Immediately, we'll be drilling for oil in
Alaska - which will take care of this country's oil needs for decades to come.
If you're an environmentalist who opposes this decision, I refer you to List 2
above: pick a country and move there. They care.
It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens. Some
will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by saying, "darn tootin."
Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has
only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet. It is
time to eliminate hunger in America. It is time to eliminate homelessness in
America. It is time to eliminate World Cup Soccer from America. To the nations
on List 1, a final thought. Thanks guys. We owe you and we won't forget.To the
nations on List 2, a final thought: You might want to learn to speak Arabic.God
bless America. Thank you and good night.If you can read this, thank a teacher.
If you are reading it in English, thank a soldier.
