Army to spend 3.2 billion to figure out why Marines are so much better

OFF THE WIRE
The secretary of defense is facing backlash after asking congress to allocate public funds towards a new military research project. Citing its necessity, he defended the move by saying,
“We need a clear answer to this and with this study I hope to god we’ll have one!”
The object of the study is to figure out why Marines seem so much better than their Army counterparts in every way. The Marines appear to outperform the Army in nearly every category despite the advantages that the army possesses. First being the Army has far greater numbers than the Marines. Despite this the Marines possessing less than half the amount of personnel (about 1/10^th if you include the National Guard) that the army does, it has a far greater number of mission ready personnel. Which are more fit and far better trained than Army soldiers.  The army also boasts far greater resources and shorter training times than Marines. By in large the army should then be an all-around better branch right? But no, again the Marines lead the pack. The strict nature of their fitness test quickly rules out any unfit candidates and though the training is more general, it was far more intense.
Still the question remains what is it that makes the Marines so much better? Is it the uniforms the Marines wear, or maybe the way they wear them? Is it the haircuts, the physical fitness or maybe the tradition of “death before dishonor?” Maybe it’s because the Marines were founded in a tavern and can out drink anyone?
Hopefully 3.2 Billion Dollars will be enough to give the Army a little help in being more like the Marines (though it’s doubtful).

Sure all of our uniformed citizens deserve commendation for working so hard to defend our fair country. But we can all agree that no matter what the issue, both the Army and the Marines are far better than the Air Force!